JAI-nism

09 October, 2007

We have spent a lot of afternoons together, rounding the malls and window shopping for furniture and appliances. Funny how similar our taste in decore and style is.

We have looked at invitation designs, colour combinations for the wedding motif, engagement and wedding rings, and possible photographers to hire. We even have a list of people, friends, and family to be invited to the wedding already.

Strange how I am letting myself indulge in these fancies. I have been zealously guarding my heart ever since my world as I knew it changed. I promised myself that I can not let things or myself fall apart anymore.

I'm not sure if I'd have the strength to keep picking up the pieces.

Love must be a four letter word for disappointment. Every now and then, he is able to charm his way through my uncertainty, my bitterness and preventive strategies. Every now and then I allow myself to be naive. I allow myself to believe that this will work, that he does love me. That he is mine and I am his.

The broken, wiser, perhaps sadder part of me whispers things at the back of my mind. It warns me to be cautious, to be wary of promises of ever after.

Labels: future, moleskine, past, present

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Labels: corporate space, mess, work

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Labels: love, the one

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Labels: friends, life, motherhood, pregnancy

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"When a woman buys a pair of shoes, she goes to eight shops to compare style, color, fit and price.

In each shop, she'll probably try a dozen pairs - holding it, touching it, smelling it, feeling it, wearing it, walking in it - before she actually buys the shoes. She also usually brings a friend or friends, always conferring and asking for comments.

But when it comes to love, a woman will love the first jerk that will make her blush." -anonymous-

Labels: jerks, love, shoes

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Labels: Apocalypto, dibidi, sick

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AM, the breakup guru. Thank you for sharing your stories and experiences. It is so uncanny how our love stories are so similar. Mga babaeng na-depress at pinagtaksilan, UNITE!!!

Marion, thank you for letting me sigh and scream whenever I feel like my chest is about to burst.
Sending out those sad, sad songs to you and Ann everyday has been such a great therapy for me.
Thanks for singing and crying along with me, for listening and commiserating. I love you for always telling me that I am the ultimate brat but never leaving me on my own during times when I act a bit deranged!

Chyncha, Osang and Lee, my DP girls who always tell me that this break-up is the best thing that could've happened to me.
Chynch, thanks for always providing some comic relief when I need it most.

Angel, luvs! My BUB, what would I have ever done without you? Thank you for your time and unflagging energy.
I wont ever forget the time we blubbered through 'The Break-Up' and how we made the taxi driver nervous with us carrying on with our crying in the backseat.
Everyday we tired ourselves with window shopping, movie dates and trying out all the games in TimeZone. I miss going to Sunday mass with you, AM and Alex. Remember how the homily would always make us cry? Remember our fervent prayers and silent painful tears in the prayer room of the Sacred Heart? Or the time when we counted all the huge balls displayed in front of the Makati Stock Exchange? 29 all together, right? Crazy!
Basta, thank you for going through all of this with and for me.

Alex, thanks for the brotherly love and attention. Oh, and the food! Take care of AM, ok?

Gelo, our baby Packer. Thanks for our kulitan sessions, for going with me whenever I need to buy lunch or turon. Salamat sa korni mo na jokes and for showing me all your palpak magic tricks.
Thanks sa stress ball.
You never fail to make me smile...

Tonyo, thanks for calling whenever I need to be sane and for always making sure I'm ok.

Mirro, my guy counterpart! Luvs your wonderful pad. Thanks for the pizza, red wine and the song that resounds in my head. Can't wait for our next pyjama/booze party. And yes, in a parallel universe, we would be a scorching hot couple!!!

Kuya Jeff, for being there always and keeping my phone happily beeping.

Finally, maraming salamat sa aking mga mhen...

Nessie, miss na kita! Thank you for calling me right away. I was absolutely touched. Mwaah!

Lainey, I know I have not shared the whole story with you, but thank you for understanding me during that time. Thank you for having been there for me anyway and for giving me the space that I needed and allowing me not to talk about it with you.

Tevs, I love you. Salamat. You've been with me from the very start. You alone know all the messy details. Thanks for the hand that I can squeeze and the shoulder I can collapse on. We've been through so much together. Thank you for staying up late whenever I have the uncontrollable urge to bawl my eyes out.

Thank God for my wonderful support system!

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Labels: Pyrolympics

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He had a heart inked on to his upper arm. He had a girl's name etched on to his skin and with a flourish, he also had the girl's favourite Disney Princess tatooed on.

Aaawwwww...Love. Turns us all into sissies, does it not?

The man and the girl are no longer together and he has had the ink erased from his skin. Now, he has a huge scar where his heart, Princess and lover's name used to be.

Inexplicably, I felt a twinge of envy (or was it jealousy) when I he told me this story. I know it sounds shallow. I know getting a tatoo does not really prove anything nor does it guarantee being together forever. Besides, who knows what the reasons may have been behind those tatoos, who knows what circumstances prompted the man to have himself branded.

What I do know is that a tatoo signifies permanence. It is something that is imperishable. A symbol that can not simply be washed away by a hot shower and a fresh bar of soap. It is a mark of something steadfast and unfaltering - a declaration of FOREVER.

Yes, things may not work out in the end. As I said, tatoos DO NOT guarantee happily ever afters. But having someone at some point in your life announce to the world over that he believes in spending eternity with you, is pretty damn sweet.

Sigh...

Whoever, wherever you are, you'd better hurry up and get here. I want to spend time with you. i want to know you. I want to make it count. Share stories and hear your laughter. I want to know how it feels when you finally hold my hand.

If the universe is listening, I want someone to know completely and possess but not destroy...

Today, I met a man who used to wear his heart on his sleeve. Tomorrow, I hope to meet a man who will take care of my heart.

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When people came up to me and asked me how I was or how I've been, I had such a hard time uttering the auto-answer, "Okay lang". I am still not as "okay" as I should be. I am still going through a lot right now. Still trying to figure out possible meaning behind this chaos. I am desperately holding on to some truths amidst the sea of lies. (I loved him. Did he ever love me? Did those five years ever mean anything at all?)There are times when I still confuse myself, when I am restless and reckless and on the verge of losing my mind.

I am trying so hard to cope. Trying to accept that things have definitely changed and the world will never ever be the same again. I know there are still a lot of things left undone and words unsaid, things that may be better left the way they are or things that may need to be out in the open. I know there are just so many things that I still have to do, to go through and to process before I can completely heal.
I never saw this coming. Perhaps I was too complacent, too confident that anything this 'dramatic' could ever happen to us; that anything could ever ruin what we had. Now life decides to pull the rug from right under me!

Most times, I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know where all this is supposed to lead me to. I'm just trying to be happy. Or at the very least, look happy. I try to forget and immerse myself in all things bright and bustling with life. I need to be with people. I have to be in the middle of a million busy people going about their seemingly normal lives. And even when I am surrounded by so much activity, colors and noise - I still somehow feel all alone. Detached. Alienated by my inner demons.

There are days when I just want to scream. The air around me feels so thick and my chest starts to heave with the pain of uncried tears. There are days when I wake up as a zombie. Drained of memories, tears and strength. I go about my daily routine with hands that do not feel and eyes that do not see. The days can drag on and on, but just as long as there are people I can talk and be with - I can survive daylight.

It is the nights that I dread most. The morning allows me not to think or feel too much. I could easily push painful thoughts far from my mind. But when the dusk turns to dark and my heart has uttered all its prayers that beseech healing, forgiveness, hope and new life - I find myself alone again. The silence echoes around my ears with its sad hollowness. Alone. Alone to deal with the questions, the doubts and fears. In the dark, I can not escape from the movie in my mind. I can not ignore the 'what ifs' and 'could've beens', the million and more things that I may have done differently to have prevented all this mess.

In the darkness, I can not shake off the pain, I can not evade myself...

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My great grandfather turned 100 years old...

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'ni,
thank you for your forced honesty. kung hindi ko pa pinilit ka, hindi mo pa talaga sasabihin. kelan mo kaya balak ipaalam sa kin na hindi na ako part ng mga plano mo?
i'm sorry it had to happen this way. ang sakit 'ni. ang sakit sakit.
ang dami ko na ginive-up para sa yo. ang dami kong ginawa para sa yo, only to end up like this.

you have betrayed me big time. you know how absoulutely vulnerable i am. you know all my weaknesses and all my insecurities. you knew where to hit me and you hit me real hard.

hindi ko ginusto o pinangarap na mag abroad ka. i knew it was going to strain our relationship, i knew long distance love affairs had a tendency to go sour. pero hindi din kita pinigilan kasi alam ko may obligasyon ka sa pamilya mo.

nagparaya lang ako.

all i ever asked of you is complete honesty and that you play fair. that you would have enough common courtesy to let me know if anything happened and where i stood.

but you have never been fair. you have hurt me countless times with your duplicity, your complete and utter lack of consideration for my feelings. when will you ever stop being a spineless coward? when will you start growing balls?

well, i wont be sticking around to find out if and when that happens.

i guess i've had enough.

i'm sorry our five years together didn't work out. This may have been as much my fault as it is yours.

Sayang.

i know madami din akong pagkakamali at pagkukulang. i'm really sorry. i wonder if there was anything that i could have done differently? if we lived in a world without duty or consequence, would you have stayed here? if i were a better girlfriend, if i had agreed to marry you and bear your offsprings at the age of 21, would you have stayed?

maybe. still, i would not have had any guarantees that this would not have happened.

i just want you to know that i loved you. loved you more than i could ever understand. loved you more than i could explain. no one will ever love you as much as i did. no one will ever be stupid enough to love you like i did.

why isn't love enough?

magkalayo tayo. maybe you were lonely, maybe she was charming. but there was a moment. there's always a moment, a split-second to remind you how of good we were together, of everything that you had with me. as alice said in closer," i don't know when your moment was, but i bet there was one". you just ignored that moment and chose to betray all of our five years together.

Sayang.

i haven't cried my eyes out yet. maybe the immensity of all this hasn't sunk in yet. maybe i am relieved that i finally know what i needed to know from you. maybe i've prepared myself for this all along. no matter, this episode was long overdue.

yes, i've had the chance to cry out a little. bitter little cries. body shaking - shallow breaths - tears streaming from my eyes kind of cries that last no more than five minutes. my friends have asked me if it would make me feel better if you called and said sorry and asked me to take you back?

my answer is no. i would never be able to negate the fact that you cheated on me. Again. i would never be able to forgive myself if i put up with it all over again. i would never be able to make myself whole if i did that. i've been your fool far too many times already. it is this new girl's role now. i am passing the crown over to her...

"i pray na kahit anong mangyari sana tayo talaga in the end, kasi i
would not know how to start all over again without you".


this is what i wrote in my last email to you. this is no longer my prayer.
i now pray to be strong, to be able to cry over the could've been that was us, to be angry over the betrayal, to feel everything that i should feel over this breakup. i have the right to grieve. i will grieve. i will sob over everything good and bad that i remember about us.

and then i will pick myself up. i will forgive you. i will be a bigger and stronger and a more beautiful person than when i was with you. i will be able to thank you then for all the lessons that i learned from you and our relationship. i am sure of that because everything only becomes crystal clear in hindsight. i will have completed the story of us.

most importantly, i will know how to start all over again without you...

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i use friendster to stalk people. old classmates, past crushes, friends i've lost contact with, my beau's exes, my nemesis from highschool and other people i've encountered randomly. it's a highly amusing albeit very unproductive way to pass time.
i hated the time when friendster updated the site and allowed people to see who had been viewing their accounts. i thought that was the end of my online stalking days, thankfully they had also made a tool to allow you to stalk, uhhrm, browse profiles anonimously.
the grab this photo tool on friendster is a very useful one which lets you copy and post pictures from your friends' profiles to your own account. i have never used this tool before and have never thought of clicking on the who's grabbed my photos link until today. i didn't really expect anyone to have taken pictures from my account except tevs or elaine maybe.
i almost fell off my seat when i saw D.R's profile appear as the sole person who grabbed photos from me. i looked through his photos to know what and how many pictures he copied. the guy has nerves. he dared to copy two of my pics; one of me and tevs taken at the rice production course we attended in IRRI and the other a solo pic of my fugly mug!
arrrrgggghhhh!!!!
i immediately sent him a message demanding to know why he grabbed my photos. i know i shouldn't have made a big deal out it but it just weirded me out to speculate on his motive or reasons for pulling that stunt. eeewwww! cringe. eeewww!
i deleted the pictures from my account but my pictures in his account did not budge! i am totally pissed and i do feel a trifle violated.
he was not in any of those pics. he was not the one who peered through the viewfinder and shuttered away to capture those moments (naks kodak!), he had in no way anything to do with those pictures. would it not have been enough to have just browsed through my pictures, why did he need to grab those photos from my account?!? why!?
that's it! if i don't get a reply within a week and if he doesn't delete those pics, i'm reporting him to the honchos of prenster and i'm gonna block him from accessing my account .
EVER.

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You are White Chocolate

You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in. Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you. You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!

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We watched a group of highschool kids get on a ride called Flipper as we were air-drying ourselves on the benches. This ride looked tame enough, not unlike the Cup and Saucer rides in most karnabals so we didn't think twice about getting on to it. Tevs and I sat in total comfort in one of the cups as it gently made pirouettes. Suddenly, the pirouettes turned into cruel twists and turns, the machine was rolling and throwing us about in all and every direction. I had my eyes shut tight throughout the ride and put all my strength in holding on to the bars for fear of slipping through or getting thrown out of the safety bars.

When the ride was finally over and we were able to get down, it still seemed as if the whole world were spinning. Evs and I were so dizzy that we had to go to the water closet several times to throw up!

Evs had a really bad case of vertigo so we had to go home after a few more trips to the ladies to gag. There was no way we were going on another ride, please!

Two days after this (mis)adventure, I'm still popping mefanamic acid to ease the pain of bruises and sore muscles that I got from that dang Flipper ride. Tevs is still suffering from bouts of dizziness and we both have this uneasy feeling that we must be getting a little too old for antics like this. carnivals=health hazards, who knew?

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i sat all alone in the bus the other day on my way back here to makati. it was almost sunset and the dusky shades of purple and vermillion started to creep up the sky and envelope the peaks of makiling as we passed thru the calabarzon. i was sitting there, thinking... of nothing really, thinking a million and one thoughts but never really knowing what it was all about. i must have sat there in some sort of reverie when i suddenly found myself crying! tears were streaming down my face in the telenovela-heroine-silent-crying style for no apparent reason at all! "am i going nuts?!" i thought to myself as i discreetly tried to dab at my eyes and compose myself.
no, i was just being sentimental. things like sunsets and mt. makiling usually set me off. evs and i had just been back to smallville the previous day and that town never ceases to make me question myself and where i stand.
the bus was approaching the sta. rosa exit as the skies darkened and i glimpsed the lighted ferris wheel of EK behind patches of trees and other shadows. I stared beyond the horizon where there no lay no boundaries between the city lights and the stars, the moment went on forever and i could not comfort myself. i felt sad, empty, empty, empty. it was a gnawing kind of sadness that i could not explain. i just felt old, defeated, a person with no purpose.
when i was younger, i had this sense of invincibility. i could do anything that i wanted to. i had no insecurities at all up to the age of 11. i did everything and anything that i wanted to once i set my heart upon it without fear of embarrasment, failure or ridicule from other people.
i wish i were still that way now. brave and confident and absolutely bullheaded. nowadays, i'm not even brave enough to ask for directions from a policeman or watch a movie alone, much more pursue all the desires of my heart. well, everybody has gotta start somewhere...let me look back on this post eight months from now and let's see how far along the way to my dreams i would have gotten to, ei?

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siksik sa laman: lainey and me...


cheap(tickets) girls...fab are we not?!


Osang, Cynthia,Marion,Laine, me and AM


with abfab trainer rui..luvs it!!!

Happy New Year, peeps!!!!!!!!

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for knee slapping fun and scenes that we girls make check this out....

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here are the staff of Ineng's doing what they're famous for

ito naman ang epekto ng bbq ng Ineng's, scary!!!

We were late for work by twenty minutes, but it was all worth it. As elaine said, it was her best meal of the week. ..

Later on, we prepared for our bohemian themed anniv party in Grilla Grill. I'll cut to the chase, we received the wrong info regarding the venue, got lost and arrived late for the party. We didn't get to eat at the party so we dragged our fab boho-hobo finery to the Gs and ate there.

I thoroughly enjoyed the day in spite of all the mishaps; getting lost, dealing with stupid, talkative cabbies and patrolmen who don't know zilch, heavy rains and boho chic that has come and gone...

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i am such a friggin coward!!! i could just strangle myself for being the ninny that I am. well, it serves me right because now I will end up wondering about it till the next opportunity comes along or for the rest of my life. moving on...
mama and i have started fixing the requirements for Canada which Tito Lloyd has been waiting forever for. the whole activity daunts me. once everything has been processed and we do get there, and then what? what does a 20 something year old, devcomm grad do in Calgary? i have absolutely no idea! what i do know is that Calgary is a cold place to live in, with the Canadian Rockies in that area, how am I supposed to keep my feet from freezing in my havs!?! uugghh! next thing you know, i'll probably have a collection of Ugg Boots.
this is a nonsensical post, so if you are confused by what you're reading, X out this browser - now na!
i just don't know what i'm doing, a year of working and i haven't really made anything of myself. this may not be the CAREER i want, but it would have been nice if i'd tried harder. the opportunity to move up came along but i passed it up simply because i felt scared. i was filling out an ijaf and read through what i was typing. the whole page was simply anaemic, i didn't think i did that well at all, and if didn't think i did well enough what more of the person who would be assessing my junk? so i tore it up and tried to forget about it. then my QA analyst comes over to my station and asks if i passed the application. i told her i didn't and she wanted strangle me too.
yes, this is something i am definitely regretting.
sigh...i am so bored i could scream. i am so bored i could start pulling out my hair one by one. puuhhhhhhleeeeezzzz!!! i can't do this anymore. i just want to pack my things and ride a banca all the way to boracay and wear nothing but bandeaus, skimpy shorts and trusty havaianas. then i remember that i hate the beach because i do not get a lovely mocha tan like normal people do if they bask under the sun, instead I'll get burned and streaked like bacon rashers, i hate how sand gets in between my toes and how salt water stings my skin and my eyes. hah! life's a beach, life's a bitch! i read somewhere that life is NOT a bitch it's a virgin...bitches are too easy or something to that effect. do you agree?
i'm so scared. i'm so scared of not being able to live out my dream. in a couple of months a shall be a year older. another 365 days wasted on something i care not for...

Posted by JAI-nism at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

don't flatter yourself too much. what happened was a mere coincidence and nothing more. i may be a scheming cunt but I was in no way involved in the scriptwriting of that episode in your pathetic life. it was perhaps the universe's way of reminding us that the Fates are three biyotches with a sardonic sense of humour.
we were both taken aback to find ourselves in the same room. the same people were there doing the same things they were doing two years ago. it was just like the old times but NOT. two years ago we still belonged there, now we're just groupies of the Institute.
i successfully resisted what was left of your charms and was able to ignore you much to your chagrin. still, i must admit i was painfully aware of your existence. was that your attempt at making conversation? boy, you sucked! were you trying to catch my attention? well, it may please you to know that i did notice a few things about you that day:

1) you look older than when I last saw you;
2) you were wearing a new pair of black, leather shoes although they are no better than the pair you had before;
3) you now sport a silver stud on one ear (whaddaf*%#*!?!)
4) you have not stopped smoking since I left (hah! now I flatter myself..).

you have the honor of being my "last teenage crush". No, i am no longer infatuated with you, i know better now and there is nothing romantic in being with a complicated man. there are so many things that I would like to ask you though. Everytime you are mentioned, a great, long converstaion of what-ifs and could-haves would result between moi and tevs. there are so many things that you have yet to explain, not because you owe it to me or anything, just so i would finally be able to stop wondering. over the years the questions have kept piling up and the non-communication was pregnant with words left unsaid, things undone, messages unsent and the ultimate question unasked and therefore unanswered.
please, these chance encounters have to stop. i don't want to know the answers when i no longer have the will nor the interest to ask. let us leave everything as they are - a puzzle unsolved and unfinished...

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on a whim evs and i went to smallville yesterday. it was one of those now or never decisions, the kind where we knew that if we didn't act on our impulse and we planned to go on a another date the "scheduled" trip will never push through. so off we went to the beloved paddies on a GreenStar Liner. We texted our mhen Nessie who got inggit and said she'll just render halfday of work and will see us later.
we were so excited on the bus, thinking of all the things we were going to eat, all the new places we were going to see. some people have comfort food, we have a comfort town in smallville. ewan ba kung bakit namin laging hinahanap hanap and smallville. it's our place of solace, the place where we could just go back to being carefree, young and unconquered by the realities of life.
we alighted at college around 830 am. we had not had breakfast so yet we walked to Petrinos and scarfed down their yummy tapsilog.



after breakfast, we headed for the institute.


ganito ang epekto ng petrinos tapsi

ayun, naranasan na naman namin ang pang didiri ng mga dyipni draybers sa pag sesenyas namin sa kamay na papunta kami ng institute. pag ni-clarify mo pa at talagang binigkas na sa i**i ka magpapahatid ay bigla nilang ipapaling ang ulo at saka iiling ng HINDI!
finally, we were able to lure a jeep to get us to our hallowed fields. first stop, VIS para mag wee-wee sa paboritong water closet. we made our usual rounds, it was just like the old times but deep inside we all knew we could never really go back to how it all was before.
come afternoon time the complete cast was at the caf. ang saya! kinulit namin si dudi, binalahura si kuya uro, dinedma si tumbs, inasar si jennie, humungi ng lanyard mula kay tito macky, nag da buzz with sir boyet, at nung gabi eh tinukso si sir paul para i-libre kami sa coffeeblends. sa phuongs kaming tatlong bugok nag-dinner ng spicy sauteed chicken..hay,sarap talaga. pero nung gabi na wala na kami masyado energy kaya wala nang pics. kala nga namin sa demarses lang kami uuwi. hehehe....it was a tiring but memorable day. nes, evs and i tried so hard to steal that day. to make it ours, to make the laughter, the gossip, the taste and the feeling of smallville last in our memories for another six months or until we would be able to return once more.

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team REZklamadors at the Krocodile Grill, Greenbelt





supe(r) rez, owen aka piper, berna, me, ely, paul and haydn



the rezklamadoras: rocky, owen, berna, me and haydn

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Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

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***baby log ka sa msn ha para pg d pde ym msn

kc i feel bad pg d tayo chat

mahal na mahal kta baby ko

pray ka dn plagi***

Hanggang Kailan?

Labis na naiinip

Nayayangot sa bawat saglit
Kapag naalala ka

Wala naman akong magawa..
Umuwi ka na baby

'Di na ako sanay ng wala ka

Mahirap ang mag-isa

At sa gabi'y hinahanap-hanap kita
Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay

Na makasama kang muli

Sa buhay kong puno ng paghihirap

At tanging ikaw lang ang

Pumapawi sa mga luha

At naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi
'Di mapigilang mag-isip

O baka sa tagal

Mahulog ang loob mo sa iba

Nakakabalisa

Knock on wood wag naman sana
Umuwi ka na baby

'Di na ako sanay ng wala ka

Mahirap ang mag-isa

At sa gabi'y hinahanap-hanap kita
Hanggang kailan ako maghihintay

Na makasama kang muli

Sa buhay kong puno ng paghihirap

At tanging ikaw lang ang

Pumapawi sa mga luha

At naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi..
Umuwi ka na baby..Umuwi ka na baby..Umuwi ka na baby...

oo nga 'ni, umuwi ka na please?

Posted by JAI-nism at 1:05 PM | Permalink | Comments

today feels just like any other day except that it shouldn't. it is exactly a year from my first day of coming into the "working world". a year of trying to meet all metrics, waking up in time to log-in and be on auto-in mode, 365 days of being connected to a headset and an avaya.
it all feels so meaningless.
a year of complying to a huge company's calendar. day in and day out. assisting people who don't give a sh*t about who or what i am. a year of being stuck... i know could just quit and go home and i'll still have food to eat, a warm bed to sleep on and decent clothes to wear (not to mention an SUV to ride so i don't have to keep hailing jeeps, buses or taxis..grr!). but if i did that, i'll be forever dependent on my mom. and even with this current job that pays pretty well, i can only consider myself as semi-independent. i mean, all my personal stuff like deos, sanitary pads, lotion, etc still come from mama's grocery of a closet. whenever i'm running out of these things, i don't feel the need to run to cash and carry or shopwise because i know i can get them from our stockroom when i go home. ahhhhh, the freeloader!
i am already a year over two decades old and i still have no friggin' ideahr what i want to bloody do with me life! but i definitely know i DON'T want to do this!!! i don't want to be stuck in this industry that a lot of my contemporaries (naks!) are making a career out of.
i can't. i can't be tied down. i can not follow a timetable that orders me to eat at this time, pee at this time, blow my nose at this given time only... i can not not see the rest of the world!
i am sooooooooo ready to travel, to write, to know cultures all over again. i want to be out there, taking pictures of villages, mountains, town squares, people's faces. i want to know what other people are doing and seeing. i want to start living out my dreams. i may not be able to write a classic novel (notice the word classic and not bestselling?) or get famous or win a Nobel price for being fabulous but i know that i must at least fulfill my (lesser) destiny by experiencing the world.
i want to take my own time, dance to my own music, sing my own tunes, feel with my heart... i want to start now, now, now before i get stuck in this comfortable hell and miss the life i'm suppose to live...................

Posted by JAI-nism at 3:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by JAI-nism at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

i'm a fan of quite a few blogs and i am so inspired to really work on my blog. it just seems that i don't have anything interesting to write about. nothing has been really happening to me. day in and day out i just go to work... i deal with people who made booboos with their flight reservations, who suddenly want to change their schedule and are willing to pay a few hundred dollars to travel on another day to someplace else. it's just not interesting to write about these conversations, although admittedly some of these people's probs are soooo silly it would probably make an entertaining read.
once upon a time, 7 years ago in highschool i used to be able to write 4 entries in my diary a day. there seemed so much to rave and rant about then. everything could be magnified, every smile, joke, insult, test result, trigo problem, school gossip, or shopping trip needed to be highlighted in my Hello Kitty multi-colored, perfumed paper diary with lock and key.
i think i've completed 10 diaries during highschool. some pages are thick w cutouts, ticket stubs of concerts or basketball games i went to see, i even have a diary w Robert Jaworski's (Sr.) autograph on it, signed during a Gordons vs. Sta.Lucia game in La Salle Sentrum. Oo, sobrang fan ako nun ng Gordons!
then college happened. i stopped writing in diaries because i didn't have enough time to do that in between classes and listing down all the txt messages of 'ni. my phone then was a Nokia 3210 and then it became N3310 and i could only store around 20 messages in its Inbox. now i have a huge pile of notebooks consisting of lecture notes and txt msgs! Luka, di ga?
now my phone can store around 80 msgs but i'm too comfortable with us to list down anything anymore.
so when it comes to updating blogs i always have to rack my brains for something worthwhile to write. there is also that uncomfortable feeling that my thoughts may be accessed by who knows who! i don't want to come across as some materialistic ditz by always writing about shopping sprees, i'm no cordon bleu chef so i really can't write about food (though a food blog is a novel idea).
so i guess i will just have to stick to writing about me and my humdrum days on earth...

Posted by JAI-nism at 11:57 AM | Permalink | Comments

it's sale season! here are the things that i splurged on last week:
*black shirt from terranova
*orange top from mango for my mom
*2 shirts (aqua and yellow) from people are people
*a flirty lime mini from people are people
*yellow flipflops from happy days, they're the havaianas of thailand.kinda forgot the brandname tho'..
*VMV id buff soap to cure backne

hmmn,so that's where my salary went...
speaking of tsinelas, i totally went berserk when i saw FAKE havaianas at a kiosk in glorietta. they had black and white brazil styles stocked!grrrr....
remind me to only buy flash,ayt?

Posted by JAI-nism at 10:58 PM | Permalink | Comments

they say tht the person who needs a vacation the most is the one who just got back from one....well, i've been gone for 5 days. i wouldn't call it a vacation, unless popping 5 kinds of pills 3 times a day is your cuppa tea. but anyway, 5 days without having to listen to westerners whine about their *tupi*ity and how the company wants them to part with their hard-earned cash was GREAT!

Posted by JAI-nism at 1:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

it has been over two months since my last entry promising to update this blog regularly...little did i know what that day had in store for me in its remaining hours...
i'm fine now...happy, secure, knowing that you are always there and with one little tug of the string that connects us- you'll be home.
i think i've grown so much within the last two months. i look at us in a different way now. no, don't hold your breath on it, i'm still impulsive, i will still do stupid/crazy things that drive you nuts just because i feel like it. but now i will start listening, waiting and trusting... i love you more

Posted by JAI-nism at 1:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

i'm going to start posting on a regular basis..

Posted by JAI-nism at 5:06 PM | Permalink | Comments

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everybody's free to wear suncreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99 If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you
Sing
Don't be reckless with other people's heart's, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children,maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…

Posted by JAI-nism at 12:35 AM | Permalink | Comments

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You are prone to prefer the cooler temperatures and the shade of trees in the autumn to the baking heat of summer. The extravaganza of colors in the autumn leaves never ceases to amaze you. The days are growing shorter, the dark creeps up colder but you are right at home in this season. Autumn people love this particular season because of its magical feel, a lullaby before winter.

Posted by JAI-nism at 7:47 AM | Permalink | Comments