Status Update
The past two months has had me thinking like I've never thought before. I think I've just been through my first real heartache. It was scary, it was hard. It was horrible. It had me deal with so many thoughts and emotions. It was all a constant struggle. I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally drained.
When people came up to me and asked me how I was or how I've been, I had such a hard time uttering the auto-answer, "Okay lang". I am still not as "okay" as I should be. I am still going through a lot right now. Still trying to figure out possible meaning behind this chaos. I am desperately holding on to some truths amidst the sea of lies. (I loved him. Did he ever love me? Did those five years ever mean anything at all?)There are times when I still confuse myself, when I am restless and reckless and on the verge of losing my mind.
I am trying so hard to cope. Trying to accept that things have definitely changed and the world will never ever be the same again. I know there are still a lot of things left undone and words unsaid, things that may be better left the way they are or things that may need to be out in the open. I know there are just so many things that I still have to do, to go through and to process before I can completely heal.
I never saw this coming. Perhaps I was too complacent, too confident that anything this 'dramatic' could ever happen to us; that anything could ever ruin what we had. Now life decides to pull the rug from right under me!
Most times, I have no idea what I am doing. I don't know where all this is supposed to lead me to. I'm just trying to be happy. Or at the very least, look happy. I try to forget and immerse myself in all things bright and bustling with life. I need to be with people. I have to be in the middle of a million busy people going about their seemingly normal lives. And even when I am surrounded by so much activity, colors and noise - I still somehow feel all alone. Detached. Alienated by my inner demons.
There are days when I just want to scream. The air around me feels so thick and my chest starts to heave with the pain of uncried tears. There are days when I wake up as a zombie. Drained of memories, tears and strength. I go about my daily routine with hands that do not feel and eyes that do not see. The days can drag on and on, but just as long as there are people I can talk and be with - I can survive daylight.
It is the nights that I dread most. The morning allows me not to think or feel too much. I could easily push painful thoughts far from my mind. But when the dusk turns to dark and my heart has uttered all its prayers that beseech healing, forgiveness, hope and new life - I find myself alone again. The silence echoes around my ears with its sad hollowness. Alone. Alone to deal with the questions, the doubts and fears. In the dark, I can not escape from the movie in my mind. I can not ignore the 'what ifs' and 'could've beens', the million and more things that I may have done differently to have prevented all this mess.
In the darkness, I can not shake off the pain, I can not evade myself...
