SAYANG - an ending to the story of us
'ni,
thank you for your forced honesty. kung hindi ko pa pinilit ka, hindi mo pa talaga sasabihin. kelan mo kaya balak ipaalam sa kin na hindi na ako part ng mga plano mo?
i'm sorry it had to happen this way. ang sakit 'ni. ang sakit sakit.
ang dami ko na ginive-up para sa yo. ang dami kong ginawa para sa yo, only to end up like this.
you have betrayed me big time. you know how absoulutely vulnerable i am. you know all my weaknesses and all my insecurities. you knew where to hit me and you hit me real hard.
hindi ko ginusto o pinangarap na mag abroad ka. i knew it was going to strain our relationship, i knew long distance love affairs had a tendency to go sour. pero hindi din kita pinigilan kasi alam ko may obligasyon ka sa pamilya mo.
nagparaya lang ako.
all i ever asked of you is complete honesty and that you play fair. that you would have enough common courtesy to let me know if anything happened and where i stood.
but you have never been fair. you have hurt me countless times with your duplicity, your complete and utter lack of consideration for my feelings. when will you ever stop being a spineless coward? when will you start growing balls?
well, i wont be sticking around to find out if and when that happens.
i guess i've had enough.
i'm sorry our five years together didn't work out. This may have been as much my fault as it is yours.
Sayang.
i know madami din akong pagkakamali at pagkukulang. i'm really sorry. i wonder if there was anything that i could have done differently? if we lived in a world without duty or consequence, would you have stayed here? if i were a better girlfriend, if i had agreed to marry you and bear your offsprings at the age of 21, would you have stayed?
maybe. still, i would not have had any guarantees that this would not have happened.
i just want you to know that i loved you. loved you more than i could ever understand. loved you more than i could explain. no one will ever love you as much as i did. no one will ever be stupid enough to love you like i did.
why isn't love enough?
magkalayo tayo. maybe you were lonely, maybe she was charming. but there was a moment. there's always a moment, a split-second to remind you how of good we were together, of everything that you had with me. as alice said in closer," i don't know when your moment was, but i bet there was one". you just ignored that moment and chose to betray all of our five years together.
Sayang.
i haven't cried my eyes out yet. maybe the immensity of all this hasn't sunk in yet. maybe i am relieved that i finally know what i needed to know from you. maybe i've prepared myself for this all along. no matter, this episode was long overdue.
yes, i've had the chance to cry out a little. bitter little cries. body shaking - shallow breaths - tears streaming from my eyes kind of cries that last no more than five minutes. my friends have asked me if it would make me feel better if you called and said sorry and asked me to take you back?
my answer is no. i would never be able to negate the fact that you cheated on me. Again. i would never be able to forgive myself if i put up with it all over again. i would never be able to make myself whole if i did that. i've been your fool far too many times already. it is this new girl's role now. i am passing the crown over to her...
"i pray na kahit anong mangyari sana tayo talaga in the end, kasi i
would not know how to start all over again without you".
this is what i wrote in my last email to you. this is no longer my prayer.
i now pray to be strong, to be able to cry over the could've been that was us, to be angry over the betrayal, to feel everything that i should feel over this breakup. i have the right to grieve. i will grieve. i will sob over everything good and bad that i remember about us.
and then i will pick myself up. i will forgive you. i will be a bigger and stronger and a more beautiful person than when i was with you. i will be able to thank you then for all the lessons that i learned from you and our relationship. i am sure of that because everything only becomes crystal clear in hindsight. i will have completed the story of us.
most importantly, i will know how to start all over again without you...
