JAI-nism: February 2005

Friday, February 18, 2005

this week

has been an an eye-opener of sorts.
*** i was inexplicably happy about the prospect of having the undecided within the same zipcode. i was flirting with the thought of having that around, of sharing kodak magic moments and perhaps finally figuring it all out. but technology slapped me on the face and i realized flirting is cheap and kodak prints aren't perfect and they do fade. it is the undecided's way with everyone. and it seems that he shall always be an enigma to our kind.
no more wondering about what it all meant. no more analyzing of words and actions and looks that were given or taken at the time. MOVE ON. from here, i choose to no longer care.***
*** i saw her yesterday. beautiful. secure. happy - looks like it. once again i am struck by insecurity. what am i compared to her? has he completely forgotten her? if they saw each other again, what would it be like for me?i felt regret for them. 7 years all wasted. it took them that long to realize they weren't meant to be or was the circumstance just not right?***

*** i am now a regular employee. i feel tied to this job. there are days when i wake up knowing i'm just going thru the motions. day in, day out. nothing is new. am i bored already? 21 and still i don't know what to do with my so-called life.

tonyo, my supervisor has already shown me my last bi-monthly evaluation. my score was OUTSTANDING. it felt good to know i'm doing a swell job, but then again i was never the kind who lived off grades or scores. this is afterall, just statistics and statistics are just numbers. numbers don't interest me at all.***

*** i bought a pen the other day. it was significant because it has been such a long time since i last bought one. i remember how pens had always been a source of fascination for me. we had drafting classes in highschool and this exposed me to so many kinds of pens and pencils. i had the whole collection of hb pencils, tech pens and speedball pens. i thought i was going to pursue art or architecture as a course in college, but my love for words won the day.***
*** i hurt. i need direction. i need to see the world. i need to get back to where the whole saga started. i want to find papa. want to know how everybody in hinobaan is. there are so many things i want to do right now, so many things to address. if only i had the time and most importantly the courage to go back...***

Posted by JAI-nism at 8:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

Sunday, February 13, 2005

the elusive ballet flats...

i read an article a few months ago from noringai on how she learned so much about life from her love of shoes. i could totally relate to the artik because i too have a shoe fetish.
last tuesday, i finally found my elusive ballet flats. i've been wanting them for over two years now since i gave up on wedges and platforms and anything with heels.for the last two years i've been rummaging through shoe store displays for the perfect ballet pumps but, they were not available in manila in 2003.
in 2004, ballet pumps were and still are the rage for women. now that I have designs to choose from, there are hardly any styles that particularly catch my eye. bayo has them in the sweetest candy colours and kamiseta followed suit. i couldn't buy those shoes because nearly every girl who made rounds in the mall had those shoes on. i knew i wanted my pumps to be simple; something that would match all the things in my closet but it also had to be cute, comfortable to wear and unique, they had to be something that i could stare at and feel lucky that a pair belonged to me.
i found a few ballet pumps to fit the above description but there was always something to stop me from getting it. most times the shop wouldn't have it in my size, sometimes i liked the style but didn't like the colours that it came in, other times the shoes just snagged at my heels when i tried it on and i knew i'd never be comfortable wearing it all day long. and so the search for the perfect ballet flats went on. i scourged thru the shoe shops in glorietta, rockwell and batangas and everytime i found a pair that i liked, i would eventually end up going home sans shoeboxes galore.
then this tuesday, the elusive ballet flats appeared where i least expected to find them. evs and i were walking down lopez ave when i glanced at vyenski's window display. a power stronger than reason or knowledge drew me into the shop...and there on one of the shelves sat MY ballet flats.
it sat there in all its white synthetic soft leather glory. it had holes punched through the leather and garter straps across the feet like real ballet shoes. i rushed to the shelf and tried the shoes on - it was a perfect fit! i walked out of vyenski with a shopping bag and a huge smile on my face...
as i'm typing this i keep on glancing down at my feet and feel the softness of my flats.i have to heave a sigh of satisfaction, i'm glad i didn't settle for anything less than what my heart was set on.these shoes may very well be the cheapest in my shoe rack, but it is also the dearest - the pair that was so hard and took so long to find. perhaps that is where the satisfaction comes from...

Posted by JAI-nism at 6:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

Saturday, February 12, 2005

phew!

finally got this blog straightened out... it's so FUN! It was fun editing the script and figuring out what to do next, i even remembered some things badidang taught us in class. i never really thought i would have fun doing something where i had to follow a certain structure, a set of rules, a formula or equation to set reason to an unreasonable world. isn't that why i'm no good in algebra!? i can't stand anything logical!

anyway, i got carried away in answering all those quizzes that you can stick in a blog. hmmmmnn....doesn't it tell you something about jai though? In love, i am like Prof. X of the uncanny X-men. I somehow disagree with this because it seems like X is torpe about his feelings and can only communicate w his beloved by using that blob underneath his shiny dome. I am more vocal and i like to tell 'ni what's on my mind. I love getting into a fight and i love the sudden rush i get after winning. the only time i ever hide my thoughts or feelings is when i did something baaaaaad or when i'm being coy.

Hera...i've always liked this Greek bitch goddess for her power plays and schemes against Zeus' qeuridas. Alright, i'll admit it! Behind the tweetums, eng-eng smiles is a devious, scheming mind out for revenge if her path is crossed.

Autumn will always be my favourite season. I know we don't have it here in the phils but, in bahrain autumn starts mid-October. I know it's not autumn-autumn like what they have in the temperate regions because manama does not celebrate its christmas in white, but the trees do turn auburn and they shed their leaves for me to hear a satisfying crunch beneath my booted feet. there's a certain crispness in the air that is just soooo heavenly. i wish i could say that i could smell or see bonfires, but it's illegal to burn stuff in that country.

Autumn for me will always be relief from the sweltering summer of the arabian sun before the blistering cold that shamals bring in the winter.

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Friday, February 11, 2005

Autumn in RP

You are prone to prefer the cooler temperatures and the shade of trees in the autumn to the baking heat of summer. The extravaganza of colors in the autumn leaves never ceases to amaze you. The days are growing shorter, the dark creeps up colder but you are right at home in this season. Autumn people love this particular season because of its magical feel, a lullaby before winter.

Posted by JAI-nism at 7:47 AM | Permalink | Comments

I AM HERA

Hera
You are most like Hera, Goddess of Marriage. You are a headstrong, indepentent figure, and refuse to be pushed around. Try not to get jealous to easily, it'll make a nuisance of itself later in life.

Posted by JAI-nism at 7:39 AM | Permalink | Comments

Professor X

Which Star-Crossed Marvel Lover Are You?

Posted by JAI-nism at 3:17 AM | Permalink | Comments

Thursday, February 10, 2005

the grove: after a year

i tried to escape from the real world into a memory i've kept inside a bubble for the last year.
kept on remembering how it felt like to wake up at 3am and shower with water that you could brew coffee in. i played out all the scenes where we ate out; downing vodka at pannicles, nibbling twister fries at vega mcdo,sipping iced lattes at coffeeblends. how could i forget the first time we ate at phuongs' or tapsilog from petrinos under the starlit sky of the oval? when i close my eyes, i still see how pili drive looks like at 2am, still hear his sigh of surrender everytime i told him we had to stop by mr.midnight or mang murillo's to buy ice.
after i year, i still wonder...
we went back but,the grove has changed. so many new buildings, new paint and new signs. pannicles is now lonski, galleria ethnika has abondoned its nipa hut for solid walls and air conditioning and the undecided is moving to makati.
i know i have moved on. just as the grove has changed, so have i. there are too many things to do and so many things to think of and prioritize.
eventually, i know the bubble will burst.

Posted by JAI-nism at 8:56 PM | Permalink | Comments

Friday, February 04, 2005

on the edge of reason

just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else
I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else
and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Posted by JAI-nism at 1:46 PM | Permalink | Comments

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

i feel so sick...sick and tired and beaten...
i'm at work right now for my interim work day, left bats at around 7:30pm and i just feel and probably look like something that the cat dragged in. at around 11pm, while i was speaking w a customer i knew i was getting my period. after the call ended, i pressed on aux 1 for a personal break, rushed to my locker to get a pad and ran to the loo to stuff it down my knickers. lucky that i thought about keeping pads in my office locker.
i still feel awful though. i've always hated getting my period, well except for those times when i can't remember when i last had them and then i start to worry about being pregnant but actually remember that i'm not sexually active yet...so i start worrying that i might have been incubused (ngek!is there such a word as incubused?).
what i hate about this bloody period is the pain.my tummy hurts, my lower back aches, i have a migraine - everything hurts. i hate the sweating, the bloating, the bleeding, the leaking, everything that comes along with that time of the month thing - I HATE!

Posted by JAI-nism at 7:20 AM | Permalink | Comments