tears in the calabarzon
i sat all alone in the bus the other day on my way back here to makati. it was almost sunset and the dusky shades of purple and vermillion started to creep up the sky and envelope the peaks of makiling as we passed thru the calabarzon. i was sitting there, thinking... of nothing really, thinking a million and one thoughts but never really knowing what it was all about. i must have sat there in some sort of reverie when i suddenly found myself crying! tears were streaming down my face in the telenovela-heroine-silent-crying style for no apparent reason at all! "am i going nuts?!" i thought to myself as i discreetly tried to dab at my eyes and compose myself.
no, i was just being sentimental. things like sunsets and mt. makiling usually set me off. evs and i had just been back to smallville the previous day and that town never ceases to make me question myself and where i stand.
the bus was approaching the sta. rosa exit as the skies darkened and i glimpsed the lighted ferris wheel of EK behind patches of trees and other shadows. I stared beyond the horizon where there no lay no boundaries between the city lights and the stars, the moment went on forever and i could not comfort myself. i felt sad, empty, empty, empty. it was a gnawing kind of sadness that i could not explain. i just felt old, defeated, a person with no purpose.
when i was younger, i had this sense of invincibility. i could do anything that i wanted to. i had no insecurities at all up to the age of 11. i did everything and anything that i wanted to once i set my heart upon it without fear of embarrasment, failure or ridicule from other people.
i wish i were still that way now. brave and confident and absolutely bullheaded. nowadays, i'm not even brave enough to ask for directions from a policeman or watch a movie alone, much more pursue all the desires of my heart. well, everybody has gotta start somewhere...let me look back on this post eight months from now and let's see how far along the way to my dreams i would have gotten to, ei?
